Peace Without the Puke…

September 15, 2009

So my anxiety has just been through the roof the past week or two… I feel like a failure. A bad mom, a bad wife- just sort of a waste of space in general. I think that being surrounded by women who do such a great job generating human beings doesn’t help things either.

When I was younger I had this image of myself as a beautiful pregnant woman who was full of energy and enjoying every second involved in making a little human being. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT WOMAN HIDING?! My niece got her first period on Sunday and while I am excited that she is growing up, all I can think about is how  cursed she’s going to be when it comes to making babies. HG runs in my fmaily and the chances of her getting to enjoy those nine months are slim.

I keep thinking I could not be having a worse pregnancy between the HG, and the vericose veins and the gestational diabetes. Then I remember that my foot was broken in three places at this point in my pregnancy with Kay. How quickly we lose perspective.

But the one thing that was a blessing in the first five months of puking, needles, nurses and tubes was that I was completely accepting of myself. I was so proud of myself during the beginning of this pregnancy for just breathing and not jumping off some tall building. I was more than satisfied with simply existing and I had promised myself I would hold onto that feeling of worthiness. Clearly, that didn’t happen.

My goal for the next couple of days, okay maybe just hours, is to simply accept myself and realize that to be is enough. Would I trade the anxiety and OCD in for nausea and vomiting?  No, but can’t I have peace without the puke?


2 Responses to “Peace Without the Puke…”

  1. dbimagesblog Says:

    Teal, you are comparing your worst with someone else’s best. All that does is make you feel inferior. EVERY mommy has an AWFUL day (sometimes awful weeks). EVERY mommy feels like the worst mommy in the world at some point (some of us feel like that more often than others). I am CONSTANTLY looking at other moms and say, dang, she always looks so put together, her kids always look fabulous, her home is impecible, her husband makes more money than mine — but, then I look at my own family and my gorgeous boys and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

    Baby Kay is lucky to have you as her mommy and when Fiona gets here, she will be lucky too!

    Yes, some women have easier pregnancies than others. I don’t know how you do it. I would have been done after one and then adopted.

    Just remember…it is all worth it in the end. Your first snuggle with Fiona will be worth every minute of it.

  2. Sister... Says:

    Teal, no one has a pregnancy that they imagine. Remember when we used to say “Well, I’ve had bad menstrual cramps, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to handle labor pains” or “Oh, I pulled all-nighters in college so I’ll be able to handle the newborn-times.” We all feel like we should be doing more when we’re pregnant or mothering…you’re doing more than enough right now. Making a baby is terribly hard work, and you’re also raising Karissa. Be proud of your accomplishments!

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